the demise of black cabaret

well we just finished shooting our first video. i can't imagine what it's like to do one for real, but then i imagine when you pay people, you might get better results? i can't give enough credit to the roomates and friends who put in more than their share of time in helping us setup, shoot, dance, push buttons, write things down, make phone calls, etc. thank you.

on the other hand, as we're coming out of that intense week of pulling everything together at the last minute, i can't help but wonder the direction and duration of this little endeavor. while corey and i are steadfast friends in a sense that cannot be explained to anyone else, we are the most unsteady we've been in a great while. a spinning top that now is starting to slowly wobble and eventually will stop. do i fear that, yes? but everything that ends is a beginning to something else. our friendship has been a lesson, a tool, an experience I am forever grateful for, and yet I keep finding myself asking are we friends for a lifetime or for a season? a supernova could be imminent.

being friends is hard enough, much less trying to find equal footing in this project/band/group/silliness.

the biggest problem we have is accepting each others humanity. that we both can be complete fuckups and have the worst insecurity and at other times be complete assholes and then be completely supportive like no one else before or probably after. i can't find it in myself to forgive anyone easily. my feeling of being constantly held up for judgment is exactly what I project out. and maybe it's just that - a projection. to feel judged is to judge.

and after all this time and energy, how do you walk away? is there any other way besides on bad terms? does it all have to explode? is it more satisfying than if it just fizzles out. the loss seems tangible already. and yet i wonder what is beyond that feeling. hope. beginning. new.

so i find myself settling into your book again, exposing all the choices that i've made that disempower me and allow me to be victim and turn the finger of blame upon everyone else. for my weight, my failed job, my inability to be in a healthy relationship, my fear of losing control, my cynicism, my ignorance, my drinking, my eating habits, my materialism. the list goes on. all the things that, at the end of the day, I CHOSE to do are no one else's fault or responsibilty but my own. I got myself here, and I can get myself out. It's every choice of every day. and I must remember whether I am empowering myself through the choice or disempowering myself. The negativity is something I can't stand anymore in myself. it's just so easy to be stuck in it. it's also hard when the world is filled with people who feel the same and we all feed into each other's self-denial, self-pity, self-flagellation.

today I made my choice. tomorrow is another battle.

Did I just do a survey?

While I personally loathe surveys in Myspace, I figured this one was fun: so shoot me. Plus I took out questions that didn't really apply, like anything based on college (and that's why I hate myself, filling out surveys that still purtain to college)

Directions:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense.

Questions:
How are you today? "Cruisin'" by Huey Lewis & Gwyneth Paltrow. could be worse (my life, that is...)

What about yesterday? How was that? "Nasty" by Janet Jackson; yeah, yesterday my last name was Control.

What does the number one person on your top 8 feel about you? "nobody knows it but me" by the tony rich project (and I don't even know that person, lol, and I didn't remember having this song on my computer)

How is college so far? (Okay - I was going to delete this, but "Turn It Up" by Paris Hilton came up, seemed appropriate)

If you had one piece of advice to people what would it be? "Get Real Paid" by Beck; hex yes

How is your life going so far? "hear me out" by frou frou. amen.

How are you going to die? "some kind of bliss" by kylie minogue. that's a good sign.

You're trying to work out and what song comes on? "Out of Your Mind" tru steppers ft. victoria beckham (hell, yeah, that's posh spice); and i'm usually crazy to work out, but one day my belly will convince me to run more often.

Whats your birthday wish? "lay me down in the tall grass" by fleetwood mac

You tell your best friend that you are in love with them, they respond: 'san francisco' by Judy. I can't make this shit up.

Your war yell is: "do you know what it takes" by robyn. yes, you remember it too...

What song will be played at your funeral? "little girl blue" by nina simone. i could lay down right now...

You walk in on your friends having sex, the first thing you say is: "word is out" by kylie minogue; so damn true. I'd be spreading that shit like an arsonist in southern california.

Your last words are: "jackie's strength" by tori amos.

What do your friends really think about you? "...baby, one more time" covered by travis.

What does your mom really think about you? "smack my bitch up" by prodigy. i don't know how to read that, except she wants to smack me up a lot, and since I'm her kid, I'm therefore her 'bitch.'

What about your dad? "little earthquakes" by tori amos. we are metaphors for shifting tectonic plates.

What is your current theme song? "hollywood (oakenfold edit)" by madonna. 'how could it hurt you when it looks so good?' indeed.

What do your friends think your theme song should be? "get it together" by seal. you guys are dicks.

What does your bandmate think your theme song should be? "some girls" by rachel stevens. at least we both kind of agree.

What does that person you have a crush on you really think of you? "i'm too sexy" by right said fred. right said justin.

What type of men/women do you normally go for? "deeper and deeper" by madonna. physically or emotionally or mentally or all? yes.

What is the secret to life? "isobel" by bjork. and the secret of life would be found in a bjork song; and I love this song.

What is the answer to the question of the universe? "marys of the sea" by tori amos. see, it started by casting out mary magdalene and look at the mess we're in now.

Someone asks you what came first, the chicken or the egg, what do you say? "bad boys" by the miami sound machine. so I guess I just reply with "boys will be boys."

What is the best thing about you? "walking on sunshine" by katrina and the waves. get real. laughing off most things, or maybe just laughing at myself.

What is the worst thing about you? "you learn" by alanis morissette. self-conciousness.

What song do you think is your best friend's theme song? "saturday's gone" by isobell campbell w/mark lanegan. yeah.

What really turns you on? "red red red" by fiona apple. love that color. love this song.

What really turns you off? "i can tell" by 504 boys. yeah, everything about this song turns me off. but it does make me think of blair from freshman year in college.

Have anything planned for tonight? "perfection" by dannii minogue. nice.

What do you plan on doing for the rest of your life? "ain't got no/I got life" by nina simone. apparently giving up and finding the will to live over and over is in the cards, you must be jealous.

What is your "it's 5 o'clock!" song? "Little Satisfaction" mashup of Little Bird by Annie Lennox and Can't Get No Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones. perfect.

What is your dream song to quit your job to? "time after time" by cyndi lauper. while i'd prefer to go out loudly, there's something highly dramatic and somber about this too.

The song you sing in the line at the grocery store? "goonies theme" by cyndi lauper.

The song you always hear in an elevator? "ride it" by geri halliwell. are you kidding me, I'd be a bell hop for the rest of my life if this were true...

What song you'd finally snap to in your car and just slam into the rest of traffic? "don't explain" by billie holiday.

You are at Heavens gates, what does the man at the gate tell you? "last resort" by papa roach. hmm?

You've just had sex, what do you say to the other person? "summer breeze" by seals and croft. that guitar riff alone would make anyone have an orgasm.

Will you get married? "automatic" by elize. that's right, I need someone to realize that I'm Mr. Cool and this is my party, and yet she has indeed taken over me.

Will you have children? "Ray of Light" by madonna. ain't this when bitch had her own kid? so maybe late in life...i like that. zephyr in the sky at night, i'm flying.

What will your Love life be like? "outrageous" by britney spears. oh jesus :)

What is the story of your life? "simple living" by gym class heroes. in theory, never in practice.

The last song you hear? "music inferno" mashup of "music" by madonna and "disco inferno" by the trampps.




well, I have shit taste in music, or my library of music is too large.

ps: i'm so relieved the democrats are back.

VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO - killed the nonexistent radio star

Wouldn't it be lovely?




We're finally getting ready to shoot our first video... if you are interested in helping or want to be in it, please email BC@blackcabaret.net for more information; we are looking for one female lead part and lots of crowd extras in the Indianapolis/Greenwood/Franklin area - PLEASE send a recent photograph and your contact information if you want to participate in the video for our song, "Lovely."

bc

ps: no, this is not the look we're going for in the video...

happy halloween

why do people care

why do people give a crap if angelina jolie and brad pitt and madonna want to adopt children from africa? i understand wanting to preserve one's heritage, but my parents are my biological parents and we don't celebrate my cultural heritage. i think that's a shitty copout.

and while i can very shallow-ly understand the struggles going on in the continent of Africa (and not feign a deep involvement or emotional investment or attachment), there are lots of children everywhere that are in need of good parents and good homes.

i just don't understand why the lead story on cnn.com is about african adoptions right after reports that a second nuclear detonation from north korea is in the works. the news scares us, the news judges us, fills us with fear and guilt.

sometimes i think we're all asleep. and sometimes there's just no hope. no revolutionary blood flows through our veins anymore. is it gone for good? the stuff that helped humanity survive and struggle? are those people gone for good? some days i think they are.

hmmm

"whiny and pouty" - huh? interesting. lots of thoughts in response to that.

...well, hello

so if any of you know me, you know how much i can't shutup or play the silent treatment game. most of the issues have been resolved, and i'm actually back at work - in lots of ways. musically, i think we're in a good place where there's a lot of clarity and direction and it's all starting to piece together. weird to have an arc and theme for your first 'album.'

still a lot of work to do. and i mean a lot. but we'll get there. patience. in every aspect of life. learning to deal with what you've got. and make the best of it. exciting, but also nerve wracking - that i don't want to be bitten in the ass again.

fun photoshoot ideas are happening. i'm gonna work on a video treatment this weekend. have to get a girl off craigslist to be in it, model like. if you would like to apply or know someone, submit a recent photo and headshot, and any acting or modelling experience. we'll be willing to pay $100. haven't set a date yet, but after thanksgiving something will be happening.

that's all really for now. my fat ass has to get in shape. this week has been long and tiring. and i've been lazy, letting my body adjust. tomorrow is when i start running again. these last like 10-15 lbs are going to be horrible to lose. but i'll do it. no worries. just takes time and commitment.

backpacking in europe, june '07. it'll happen.

a break

i'm running out of steam trying to keep this little experiment afloat for the time being. we're not done. but i also wasn't setting out to do this alone and that's what I feel it's come to.

get in touch with corey if you need anything. he's the one you recognize.

jt