trust.

for anyone that knows corey and i, we have the weirdest friendship/relationship/symbiosis that I have ever experienced or encountered. I've never seen people who are so compatible and yet so completely combustible. neither of us choose to cut the other any slack, and I'll admit that I cut him even less than he cuts me. (and that phrase is even backwards in some ways)

to be honest, it's hard for me to trust anyone. i still have a hard time trusting corey. I feel like he keeps things from me, and I'm sure whatever he does keep from me is the same things that I keep (stupid stories that aren't important or funny to anyone except the people involved). sometimes i look at him and think he'll be a better person without me in his life, he'll have a more rewarding life, a happier life if I'm not in it. kim's always right - we never just let the love we have for one another just exist. there are things we see completely eye to eye on, and then things that we never will agree upon. things i think neither of us want to compromise, but at the end of the day, one of us will. never know who its going to be though. there have been plenty of moments for me to step up and be a bigger person, and i've been afraid to. i'm sorry for that, and corey - i apologize. you've suffered through more than you've ever needed to. and in all the ways that you think i'm strong, you know how equally weak i am. (okay, anyone who really knows me knows how weak I am)

it's been a challenge, albeit a rewarding one, to have both of us come to the table for this project/band/pipe dream. when i think i have these good ideas, he comes and just says one thing that takes it to something even better and i'll always be grateful for that. even outside of this band, he pushes me in the directions that I think no one has ever dared to before, and the cost is usually high. 'miserable' sticks in my mind. to change is to be silent or go away, and I don't recognize middle ground or how I'm supposed to walk it.

for most of my life i've been a loner, and it's hard now to not be. I like people being around, and I care about a handful of people to the max, but there's something that won't let that be expressed or be that vulnerable to be crushed by someone else. fear of weakness. this year has been one of personal growth and professional nothing. i felt dead in the water before. and maybe even more so now. all my other friends seem to be making it work, and maybe they hide their misery better than i, and i just can't seem to figure out how to make it work for me. i've been living at a frenetic, "conquer the world by 25" and maybe now, that's just not going to happen. There's a sense of mourning in that fact, that I feel I've failed - not achieved everything I thought I had expected to achieve. But who defines 'failure' besides me?

The best thing right now is to just breathe and doing unexpected things outside of my safety net. Be everything I never thought I would be and give myself a year to breathe and get my bearings on really what I want and who I want to be with and where I want to be, internally and externally.

J

***addendum - as it is 9/11, i think it might go without saying that in this world, i think people do not trust anyone. I think the micro is the macro and that in some sense, we rely upon terror in our own lives, knowing the weak spots of enemies and friends and making the choice to strike for pleasure in producing pain. as much as it is easy to blame others, we still have to blame ourselves for the moments in the day where we perpetuate terrorism on any level. why are people afraid to trust? what has led humanity to the point where we cannot trust at all?