the demise of black cabaret

well we just finished shooting our first video. i can't imagine what it's like to do one for real, but then i imagine when you pay people, you might get better results? i can't give enough credit to the roomates and friends who put in more than their share of time in helping us setup, shoot, dance, push buttons, write things down, make phone calls, etc. thank you.

on the other hand, as we're coming out of that intense week of pulling everything together at the last minute, i can't help but wonder the direction and duration of this little endeavor. while corey and i are steadfast friends in a sense that cannot be explained to anyone else, we are the most unsteady we've been in a great while. a spinning top that now is starting to slowly wobble and eventually will stop. do i fear that, yes? but everything that ends is a beginning to something else. our friendship has been a lesson, a tool, an experience I am forever grateful for, and yet I keep finding myself asking are we friends for a lifetime or for a season? a supernova could be imminent.

being friends is hard enough, much less trying to find equal footing in this project/band/group/silliness.

the biggest problem we have is accepting each others humanity. that we both can be complete fuckups and have the worst insecurity and at other times be complete assholes and then be completely supportive like no one else before or probably after. i can't find it in myself to forgive anyone easily. my feeling of being constantly held up for judgment is exactly what I project out. and maybe it's just that - a projection. to feel judged is to judge.

and after all this time and energy, how do you walk away? is there any other way besides on bad terms? does it all have to explode? is it more satisfying than if it just fizzles out. the loss seems tangible already. and yet i wonder what is beyond that feeling. hope. beginning. new.

so i find myself settling into your book again, exposing all the choices that i've made that disempower me and allow me to be victim and turn the finger of blame upon everyone else. for my weight, my failed job, my inability to be in a healthy relationship, my fear of losing control, my cynicism, my ignorance, my drinking, my eating habits, my materialism. the list goes on. all the things that, at the end of the day, I CHOSE to do are no one else's fault or responsibilty but my own. I got myself here, and I can get myself out. It's every choice of every day. and I must remember whether I am empowering myself through the choice or disempowering myself. The negativity is something I can't stand anymore in myself. it's just so easy to be stuck in it. it's also hard when the world is filled with people who feel the same and we all feed into each other's self-denial, self-pity, self-flagellation.

today I made my choice. tomorrow is another battle.