BC Diary

the demise of black cabaret

2006-12-18T22:06:00.000-05:00

well we just finished shooting our first video. i can't imagine what it's like to do one for real, but then i imagine when you pay people, you might get better results? i can't give enough credit to the roomates and friends who put in more than their share of time in helping us setup, shoot, dance, push buttons, write things down, make phone calls, etc. thank you.

on the other hand, as we're coming out of that intense week of pulling everything together at the last minute, i can't help but wonder the direction and duration of this little endeavor. while corey and i are steadfast friends in a sense that cannot be explained to anyone else, we are the most unsteady we've been in a great while. a spinning top that now is starting to slowly wobble and eventually will stop. do i fear that, yes? but everything that ends is a beginning to something else. our friendship has been a lesson, a tool, an experience I am forever grateful for, and yet I keep finding myself asking are we friends for a lifetime or for a season? a supernova could be imminent.

being friends is hard enough, much less trying to find equal footing in this project/band/group/silliness.

the biggest problem we have is accepting each others humanity. that we both can be complete fuckups and have the worst insecurity and at other times be complete assholes and then be completely supportive like no one else before or probably after. i can't find it in myself to forgive anyone easily. my feeling of being constantly held up for judgment is exactly what I project out. and maybe it's just that - a projection. to feel judged is to judge.

and after all this time and energy, how do you walk away? is there any other way besides on bad terms? does it all have to explode? is it more satisfying than if it just fizzles out. the loss seems tangible already. and yet i wonder what is beyond that feeling. hope. beginning. new.

so i find myself settling into your book again, exposing all the choices that i've made that disempower me and allow me to be victim and turn the finger of blame upon everyone else. for my weight, my failed job, my inability to be in a healthy relationship, my fear of losing control, my cynicism, my ignorance, my drinking, my eating habits, my materialism. the list goes on. all the things that, at the end of the day, I CHOSE to do are no one else's fault or responsibilty but my own. I got myself here, and I can get myself out. It's every choice of every day. and I must remember whether I am empowering myself through the choice or disempowering myself. The negativity is something I can't stand anymore in myself. it's just so easy to be stuck in it. it's also hard when the world is filled with people who feel the same and we all feed into each other's self-denial, self-pity, self-flagellation.

today I made my choice. tomorrow is another battle.

Did I just do a survey?

2006-11-13T22:18:00.000-05:00

While I personally loathe surveys in Myspace, I figured this one was fun: so shoot me. Plus I took out questions that didn't really apply, like anything based on college (and that's why I hate myself, filling out surveys that still purtain to college)

Directions:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if they don't make sense.

Questions:
How are you today? "Cruisin'" by Huey Lewis & Gwyneth Paltrow. could be worse (my life, that is...)

What about yesterday? How was that? "Nasty" by Janet Jackson; yeah, yesterday my last name was Control.

What does the number one person on your top 8 feel about you? "nobody knows it but me" by the tony rich project (and I don't even know that person, lol, and I didn't remember having this song on my computer)

How is college so far? (Okay - I was going to delete this, but "Turn It Up" by Paris Hilton came up, seemed appropriate)

If you had one piece of advice to people what would it be? "Get Real Paid" by Beck; hex yes

How is your life going so far? "hear me out" by frou frou. amen.

How are you going to die? "some kind of bliss" by kylie minogue. that's a good sign.

You're trying to work out and what song comes on? "Out of Your Mind" tru steppers ft. victoria beckham (hell, yeah, that's posh spice); and i'm usually crazy to work out, but one day my belly will convince me to run more often.

Whats your birthday wish? "lay me down in the tall grass" by fleetwood mac

You tell your best friend that you are in love with them, they respond: 'san francisco' by Judy. I can't make this shit up.

Your war yell is: "do you know what it takes" by robyn. yes, you remember it too...

What song will be played at your funeral? "little girl blue" by nina simone. i could lay down right now...

You walk in on your friends having sex, the first thing you say is: "word is out" by kylie minogue; so damn true. I'd be spreading that shit like an arsonist in southern california.

Your last words are: "jackie's strength" by tori amos.

What do your friends really think about you? "...baby, one more time" covered by travis.

What does your mom really think about you? "smack my bitch up" by prodigy. i don't know how to read that, except she wants to smack me up a lot, and since I'm her kid, I'm therefore her 'bitch.'

What about your dad? "little earthquakes" by tori amos. we are metaphors for shifting tectonic plates.

What is your current theme song? "hollywood (oakenfold edit)" by madonna. 'how could it hurt you when it looks so good?' indeed.

What do your friends think your theme song should be? "get it together" by seal. you guys are dicks.

What does your bandmate think your theme song should be? "some girls" by rachel stevens. at least we both kind of agree.

What does that person you have a crush on you really think of you? "i'm too sexy" by right said fred. right said justin.

What type of men/women do you normally go for? "deeper and deeper" by madonna. physically or emotionally or mentally or all? yes.

What is the secret to life? "isobel" by bjork. and the secret of life would be found in a bjork song; and I love this song.

What is the answer to the question of the universe? "marys of the sea" by tori amos. see, it started by casting out mary magdalene and look at the mess we're in now.

Someone asks you what came first, the chicken or the egg, what do you say? "bad boys" by the miami sound machine. so I guess I just reply with "boys will be boys."

What is the best thing about you? "walking on sunshine" by katrina and the waves. get real. laughing off most things, or maybe just laughing at myself.

What is the worst thing about you? "you learn" by alanis morissette. self-conciousness.

What song do you think is your best friend's theme song? "saturday's gone" by isobell campbell w/mark lanegan. yeah.

What really turns you on? "red red red" by fiona apple. love that color. love this song.

What really turns you off? "i can tell" by 504 boys. yeah, everything about this song turns me off. but it does make me think of blair from freshman year in college.

Have anything planned for tonight? "perfection" by dannii minogue. nice.

What do you plan on doing for the rest of your life? "ain't got no/I got life" by nina simone. apparently giving up and finding the will to live over and over is in the cards, you must be jealous.

What is your "it's 5 o'clock!" song? "Little Satisfaction" mashup of Little Bird by Annie Lennox and Can't Get No Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones. perfect.

What is your dream song to quit your job to? "time after time" by cyndi lauper. while i'd prefer to go out loudly, there's something highly dramatic and somber about this too.

The song you sing in the line at the grocery store? "goonies theme" by cyndi lauper.

The song you always hear in an elevator? "ride it" by geri halliwell. are you kidding me, I'd be a bell hop for the rest of my life if this were true...

What song you'd finally snap to in your car and just slam into the rest of traffic? "don't explain" by billie holiday.

You are at Heavens gates, what does the man at the gate tell you? "last resort" by papa roach. hmm?

You've just had sex, what do you say to the other person? "summer breeze" by seals and croft. that guitar riff alone would make anyone have an orgasm.

Will you get married? "automatic" by elize. that's right, I need someone to realize that I'm Mr. Cool and this is my party, and yet she has indeed taken over me.

Will you have children? "Ray of Light" by madonna. ain't this when bitch had her own kid? so maybe late in life...i like that. zephyr in the sky at night, i'm flying.

What will your Love life be like? "outrageous" by britney spears. oh jesus :)

What is the story of your life? "simple living" by gym class heroes. in theory, never in practice.

The last song you hear? "music inferno" mashup of "music" by madonna and "disco inferno" by the trampps.

well, I have shit taste in music, or my library of music is too large.

ps: i'm so relieved the democrats are back.

VIDEO VIDEO VIDEO - killed the nonexistent radio star

2006-11-09T00:18:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't it be lovely?

We're finally getting ready to shoot our first video... if you are interested in helping or want to be in it, please email BC@blackcabaret.net for more information; we are looking for one female lead part and lots of crowd extras in the Indianapolis/Greenwood/Franklin area - PLEASE send a recent photograph and your contact information if you want to participate in the video for our song, "Lovely."

bc

ps: no, this is not the look we're going for in the video...

happy halloween

2006-10-30T20:52:00.000-05:00

why do people care

2006-10-17T14:16:00.000-05:00

why do people give a crap if angelina jolie and brad pitt and madonna want to adopt children from africa? i understand wanting to preserve one's heritage, but my parents are my biological parents and we don't celebrate my cultural heritage. i think that's a shitty copout.

and while i can very shallow-ly understand the struggles going on in the continent of Africa (and not feign a deep involvement or emotional investment or attachment), there are lots of children everywhere that are in need of good parents and good homes.

i just don't understand why the lead story on cnn.com is about african adoptions right after reports that a second nuclear detonation from north korea is in the works. the news scares us, the news judges us, fills us with fear and guilt.

sometimes i think we're all asleep. and sometimes there's just no hope. no revolutionary blood flows through our veins anymore. is it gone for good? the stuff that helped humanity survive and struggle? are those people gone for good? some days i think they are.

hmmm

2006-10-13T22:47:00.000-05:00

"whiny and pouty" - huh? interesting. lots of thoughts in response to that.

...well, hello

2006-10-13T17:30:00.000-05:00

so if any of you know me, you know how much i can't shutup or play the silent treatment game. most of the issues have been resolved, and i'm actually back at work - in lots of ways. musically, i think we're in a good place where there's a lot of clarity and direction and it's all starting to piece together. weird to have an arc and theme for your first 'album.'

still a lot of work to do. and i mean a lot. but we'll get there. patience. in every aspect of life. learning to deal with what you've got. and make the best of it. exciting, but also nerve wracking - that i don't want to be bitten in the ass again.

fun photoshoot ideas are happening. i'm gonna work on a video treatment this weekend. have to get a girl off craigslist to be in it, model like. if you would like to apply or know someone, submit a recent photo and headshot, and any acting or modelling experience. we'll be willing to pay $100. haven't set a date yet, but after thanksgiving something will be happening.

that's all really for now. my fat ass has to get in shape. this week has been long and tiring. and i've been lazy, letting my body adjust. tomorrow is when i start running again. these last like 10-15 lbs are going to be horrible to lose. but i'll do it. no worries. just takes time and commitment.

backpacking in europe, june '07. it'll happen.

a break

2006-09-25T23:06:00.000-05:00

i'm running out of steam trying to keep this little experiment afloat for the time being. we're not done. but i also wasn't setting out to do this alone and that's what I feel it's come to.

get in touch with corey if you need anything. he's the one you recognize.

jt

i-stalking

2006-09-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

so i was stalking blogs for a while and it dawned on me that I was even looking into people's lives that before I felt so compelled to blindly hate or ignore. And in looking further into those lives, I saw so much of the same things I feel and think about myself. Goes to show that we truly are all on the same plane of existence and dealing with the same issues yet continue to categorize ourselves in such a way (you know my theory - fear) that we begin to segregate and distance our experiences from others and make it impossible to relate as people.

are we all caricatures? i feel like we are. I told Corey that I believed in the theory that people are all replaceable and that when you remove one type of person, there's someone to fill their role either in looks or personality (making originality very impossible.) he asked if we were original. 'i'd like to think we are, but probably not.'

the odd thing about blogs and the internet in general is that what you feel is a quiet release with the potential for friends to keep tabs on you, the entire world is keeping tabs on you. every moment. that you choose to discuss. i think most, including myself, get off on the fact of being so blatantly open and baring yourself to the world. i never know why i can't keep things to myself or 'be quiet.' and yet some things i wouldn't share with the closest of friends at times because i feel it's my shit to go through, or just private. i barely understand privacy. that's an understatement. is that why i'm afraid people are always keeping things from me and turning on me behind my back? am I afraid because I can easily see myself doing the same? I only fear what I might do.

i thought today how i'm not sure what i want out of my life. i'd love for this whole thing to take off and work because i'd enjoy the freedom of it. being 'normal' isn't something that interests me. grinning and bearing 'life' is not something i think i'm equipped for. i want to play by my rules. a life of swimming up stream is what I've got in store for myself i think.

holy shit

2006-09-24T16:30:00.000-05:00

awesome night last night. great songs, great company, not so great hangover.

cell phone had a stroke and I had to buy a new one today for a ridiculous amount of money. cell phone companies and their manchurian minute plans and 2-year contracts are the devil. I hate them. truly.

in other good news, Scissor Sisters' Ta Dah! comes out this week. From what I've heard so far, it's awesome. buy it.

back to naps.

sweet relief

2006-09-22T23:37:00.000-05:00

an end in sight.
4 songs in the works.
fantasy shared with two great loves in the world - one who'll acknowledge and accept me, another who hasn't touched it with a ten foot pole.
an awkwardness that will never go away (not referring to the above item).
and what i wouldn't give for a giant mountain dew.
10 more lbs to lose (like we're running away in darkened allies from our excess fat?)
need to re-read 'the right questions' again.
roseanne season one dvd is awesome.
'you really got a hold on me' is a beautiful song.
sometimes i want to marry kelly clarkson - for the fact i bet she'd make me laugh.
kissing a former co-worker while drunk and grabbing boobs - can't stop laughing.
bite size anything is the devil.
4.5 miles sometimes feels like so far to run.
yoga was better in a sweatbox.
she's my favorite mistake that i'd like to keep making.
madonna seems to be the queen of everything, why isn't her face on money yet?
lindsay's high kicks and leggings make me fall deeper in love.
boneless wings are on their way to sate me.
i love you all.
i do love me, it took long enough and there's still more to uncover.
...

j

ps: check out Leah Andreone's cover of Deja Vu

workings and dealings

2006-09-22T13:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, this is cm, posting his first blog, EVER. I wanted to tell all you BC fans out there, who should happen to be so bored as to read our blog, that if you don't already know, I HATE my job. I won't say where it is, because that is of little or no consequence. Just know I hate it. So as of now, I'm in the preliminary steps of getting out of it. And not a new job, I'm gonna get out of it, hopefully. I want to quit working until May of 2007 - this will allow me to focus on my academics (I go to two colleges), my acting (I do plays and I need all the focusing and studying in that department I can get/manage), and ultimately, and some might say, more importantly, making some songs to make you all shake your collective ass. I won't say what the haps is, just yet, but when it goes down, you'll know. There will be such a fucking ejaculatory response of BC material you'll think you're on a sexy-disco drug bender. Pray for me that everything works out, cause CM needs to show BC a little more love.

love to all except me,
cm

p.s. - I realize I have horrible sentence structure here, so don't feel the need to point it out.

what's it like

2006-09-18T19:51:00.000-05:00

ms. bs, what's it like being you
in the fake world you've made?
feel like you'll never escape -
probably since you keep choosing to stay.

arms up

2006-09-15T02:22:00.000-05:00

i don't care who you are, how old you are, how self-conscious you are - sometimes you really need to dance until you sweat to release all the crap from your life. trust me/us.

j

trust.

2006-09-11T12:28:00.000-05:00

for anyone that knows corey and i, we have the weirdest friendship/relationship/symbiosis that I have ever experienced or encountered. I've never seen people who are so compatible and yet so completely combustible. neither of us choose to cut the other any slack, and I'll admit that I cut him even less than he cuts me. (and that phrase is even backwards in some ways)

to be honest, it's hard for me to trust anyone. i still have a hard time trusting corey. I feel like he keeps things from me, and I'm sure whatever he does keep from me is the same things that I keep (stupid stories that aren't important or funny to anyone except the people involved). sometimes i look at him and think he'll be a better person without me in his life, he'll have a more rewarding life, a happier life if I'm not in it. kim's always right - we never just let the love we have for one another just exist. there are things we see completely eye to eye on, and then things that we never will agree upon. things i think neither of us want to compromise, but at the end of the day, one of us will. never know who its going to be though. there have been plenty of moments for me to step up and be a bigger person, and i've been afraid to. i'm sorry for that, and corey - i apologize. you've suffered through more than you've ever needed to. and in all the ways that you think i'm strong, you know how equally weak i am. (okay, anyone who really knows me knows how weak I am)

it's been a challenge, albeit a rewarding one, to have both of us come to the table for this project/band/pipe dream. when i think i have these good ideas, he comes and just says one thing that takes it to something even better and i'll always be grateful for that. even outside of this band, he pushes me in the directions that I think no one has ever dared to before, and the cost is usually high. 'miserable' sticks in my mind. to change is to be silent or go away, and I don't recognize middle ground or how I'm supposed to walk it.

for most of my life i've been a loner, and it's hard now to not be. I like people being around, and I care about a handful of people to the max, but there's something that won't let that be expressed or be that vulnerable to be crushed by someone else. fear of weakness. this year has been one of personal growth and professional nothing. i felt dead in the water before. and maybe even more so now. all my other friends seem to be making it work, and maybe they hide their misery better than i, and i just can't seem to figure out how to make it work for me. i've been living at a frenetic, "conquer the world by 25" and maybe now, that's just not going to happen. There's a sense of mourning in that fact, that I feel I've failed - not achieved everything I thought I had expected to achieve. But who defines 'failure' besides me?

The best thing right now is to just breathe and doing unexpected things outside of my safety net. Be everything I never thought I would be and give myself a year to breathe and get my bearings on really what I want and who I want to be with and where I want to be, internally and externally.

J

***addendum - as it is 9/11, i think it might go without saying that in this world, i think people do not trust anyone. I think the micro is the macro and that in some sense, we rely upon terror in our own lives, knowing the weak spots of enemies and friends and making the choice to strike for pleasure in producing pain. as much as it is easy to blame others, we still have to blame ourselves for the moments in the day where we perpetuate terrorism on any level. why are people afraid to trust? what has led humanity to the point where we cannot trust at all?

Welcome to the diary.

2006-09-09T01:08:00.000-05:00

Welcome all the the Black Cabaret Diary. Corey and I will be posting randomly about news, life, etc.

-Jt